I’m Not Much Of A Cheerleader Today

July 3, 2008 at 1:26 pm 2 comments

I woke up today feeling more blue than usual.  There is a huge sadness hovering over me and I just don’t feel right.  It almost feels as though I am carrying other peoples sadness on top of my own, but there is no one else around me except for my kids – and they aren’t sad.

I have had this happen to me before.  It’s a heavy, hollow feeling in my chest, accompanied by a sharp stab to the heart at the mere thought of whatever is causing the sadness.  My body feels as though someone is literally riding on my shoulders, trying to pull my soul out of the top of my head to get my attention.  It’s similar to the feeling you get when you are going up in an elevator really, really fast, only there is actually a presence there with you.

One would think that I am too far from my family right now (who live in B.C.) be feeling their pain and grief as strongly as I am, if that is even what I am feeling.  If it is, I can only imagine what my body will be like when I see them in person.

I am also experiencing something else I haven’t had in a very long time.  These last few days, almost every time I close my eyes, I see my Uncle’s face.  I see him as he used to look, not as I saw him last.  He is smiling and happy, which is obviously good, but it’s throwing me for a bit of a loop.  Is it just my subconscious remembering him or IS it him letting me know he’s okay?  I have had many people in my life pass away, but none that have done this to me before – to this extent.  Either way, I am welcoming it with open arms.  If he is actually coming to me and has something to say, I want to hear him and be able to pass the message along.

Only, I don’t think it’s just my Uncle.  I feel more than one spirit surrounding me.

I am not too sure right now how to react to the feeling I have, so I will just wait and see where the day takes me.  It’s going to be another hot day (+30℃) and I know that’s not going to help lift my spirits any, especially with having to get things ready to head out of town on Saturday.

I will see if some music will help take my mind of this heaviness.

I am bluer than blue.

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Entry filed under: Daily, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Loss, Me, Memories, Pain, Paranormal, People, Sad, Supernatural, Thinking, Unexplained. Tags: , , , , , .

Happy Canada Day, Eh? Until Then…

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Hules  |  July 3, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    I’m sorry PPH!!! xoxoxoxoxo

    What you are experiencing is completely normal. Very normal, in fact. Most people experience that type of grief and distance doesn’t make it any lighter. I’ve found it makes it heavier, at times, as you feel helpless you are not there with the family. That’s how I felt about Barry. Feel about Barry. I not only grieve for him, but I grieve for Lisa and Ellen so strongly at times, it almost consumes me. And I remember his face and his laughter. This is why I haven’t been able to post what I have written about him yet.

    I believe once you are in BC this week and you get to see Barb & Brian, it will bring you some relief, as you will be able to express your grief with them. You are taking his death much harder then I am, for reasons we know why, so I think it is a good thing you are going to the funeral, as it is a step that will be important in your grief process.

    I can relate to the unexplicable weight on my shoulders (which doesn’t revolve around death, in my case, and I know it doesn’t yours either). It’s too much to bear at times. I often feel I am carrying the weight of the world, but I can tell you we are not alone in that feeling. It is felt by so many out there. It may not bring you comfort, but know you are not alone.

    As for whether he is visiting you or not, my advice to you is to not overthink it. Just let it happen, as we both know what happens when our wheels spin too much.

    Please make sure you pass my love to Barb & Brian.

    Reply
  • 2. romach  |  July 4, 2008 at 2:29 am

    Ah hun I am so sorry to hear that your so down. I have lots of days like that too and Usually I just have to ride them out for a day or two and then it usually just goes away. Its always crap feeling blue but maybe deep down your uncles passing has affected you more than you realize. I know when my uncle passed last year I just had to fly back to Ireland because I just had to be with my Mum and her family. It helped a little as we were all there for each other but these things really take a while before we can try and accept that we now have to live with the loss. Its such a sad situation for you and your family but I am sending hugs and love your way 🙂

    Reply

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