There Must Be Something Wrong With Me, Or So I’ve Been Lead To Believe
I have to ask myself this, what do I know about friends? Apparently nothing as I can’t seem to keep them to save my life.
All of my supposed ‘best friends’ ditched me. Why, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine. Without going too far into each friendship, let’s just say that they were all ten plus years and I have seen them all through thick and thin.
That is, until it was my turn. I guess that’s when they decided I was of no more use to them. What good am I, if I’m not the one doing all the cheering up? That would mean that someone else would have to step up and think for once.
I guess they didn’t like that.
I was always the ‘go to’ person when someone needed cheering up. I would be the one who thought up bizarre things to do and say things so weird, it would make them laugh and take their minds off of whatever it was that was ailing them.
There was one friendship I had to dissolve and that was only because I became her last choice to do things and because all of her other friends were too busy for whatever reason to hang out with her, she took it out on me when I told her no. She became too self-centered to the point where everything we did had to be what SHE wanted to do and she wanted to go to the bars/pubs every weekend. She was also a person who could not be alone. If she had the day off work, she couldn’t just spend the day by herself doing things around the house. It also didn’t help that she refused to have a hobby of any kind. I suppose her hobby was her friends and she really didn’t know what to do with herself when they were all busy with their own lives.
We were ‘best friends’ for sixteen years when I had to call it off. It was very hard to do, but it was something that had to be done. Seeing as she was well known for NOT listening and letting a person talk, I had to write her a letter telling her how I was feeling. I was getting tired of the 2am phone calls telling me to come out, having her drunk self cry to me over the phone because she decided to have yet ANOTHER drunk fight with her boyfriend (now husband) about marrying her, etc. When she was drunk, she was an emotional one. You never knew what was going to happen with her, all you knew is that something was going to happen.
We have talked a couple times since dissolving the friendship. I will always be there for her as she will me and I know that. It’s just that the friendship itself needed a break to re-prioritize where it should be in each of our lives.
My other so called friends just simply stopped talking to me and with no reason as to why. I spent forever trying to figure it out. Wondering what it was that I did, if I did something to hurt them and if so, how can I fix it? No one would tell me. Even those who knew said that it wasn’t their place to say anything.
Well, THAT’S annoying, isn’t it? I mean, could we GET more dramatic? Is it that hard to tell me what I did and be honest with me about it? Did I even DO anything? Was it because my accident was too much for everyone to bear, and they couldn’t handle looking at me without being reminded of Mikey?
By the way, all of these wonderful friends ditched me within a couple of years after my accident happening. They were all there when he was born, watched and saw him grow and I guess it’s my fault I put them through the heartache of his dying.
I know the accident wasn’t my fault at all, but I was told by someone on my ex’s side of the family that had I kept my legs closed none of them would be going through this pain right now. Boy, she was sure a sweetie. Glad to see she had a heart to tell a grieving mother something like that. So even though the accident wasn’t my fault, their pain was still my fault by association?
So it makes one think. Did my friends feel the same way? I have never and probably will never get the answer I’m looking for, so all I can do is let it go.
I have been very cautious with making new friends, for I don’t want to put them through any unnecessary grief like I did with my old friends. I am all for long distance friendships with e-mails, chat and the occasional phone call. You know, the ones with no pressure attached. Maybe even the odd get together if we are up for it. However, making new 3D friends, I’m not too sure about.
So, this year I will be doing some spring cleaning with my life and deciding what is worth keeping and what I need to let go.
Since I’m not much of a thought to most people in my life these days, (with a few exceptions, of course) I have to untangle the strings and start cutting them loose. I am tired of being disappointed by their lack of giving a shit and that has unfortunately made my heart go cold. Why put myself out there to care about how they are doing?
Looks like I have a new journey to embark on and it will be a difficult one, but it’s one that needs to be done.
I am a mess of emotions as of late and if anyone has any helpful hints or advice for a wandering soul like me, I would love to hear them.