April 11, 1998 Changed My Life Forever

April 11, 2008 at 12:01 am 9 comments

10 years ago today, a part of me died.

My fiancé (at the time), my son, Mikey (from a previous relationship) and I were on our way home from friends’ house, we came to an intersection where the red light just turned green and continued on our way.  

However, we never made it through the light.

Another car, being driven by a 31 year old drunk driver, (deciding to ignore the stop sign as he was in a hurry to get back to the bar after having a fight with his girlfriend), t-boned our car going 80km/h, throwing our car into someone’s front yard.

When I came to, I was wondering why I was so cold.  I looked over to see my fiancé in the driver’s seat and he appeared to be sleeping.  I heard voices and was very confused.  I couldn’t move and when I tried to, people kept telling me to be still.  They kept asking me my name, who they can call, etc.  I tried to turn around to check the backseat for Mikey but couldn’t find him.  I knew right there something was very wrong and was getting angry as no one would tell me what happened.  All I kept saying was “Where’s my son…Where’s Mikey!”  They responded with, “We have him.”

I passed out and came to a few times during all of this, all the while my fiancé was unconscious and I had no clue where or how my son was.  

Later on at the hospital while I sat on this hard, cold table waiting to be stitched up, Bill, a close family friend came in to talk to me.  He looked me in the eyes, grabbed my hands and said he had something he needed to tell me.  I don’t remember all the details of the conversation, but when he told me that Mikey had died, everyone in the hospital heard me scream.  I then demanded that I see him.  I had to.  Bill tried to talk me out of it, but knew in his heart this was something I had to do.

When they brought Mikey into the room, Bill lifted him up off the gurney and put him in my arms.  There I sat with him for over 2 hours.  I rocked him in my arms hoping he would wake up. I bawled, I stared, I talked to him, I kissed his face and tried to wake up from this horrible nightmare I was having.  I didn’t want to let him go.  I told Mikey I loved him and that I was sorry I couldn’t do anything to protect him like I promised him I always would.

I failed him.

I later learned more of what had happened.  Most of the impact was towards the middle/back doors of the driver’s side, which caused the backseat to buckle like an accordion, snapping the seatbelt which held my son’s car seat securely in place, ejecting him through the rear window and trapping him under one of the wheels of our car.  He died instantly of a broken neck and internal injuries.  Mikey was only 4½ years old.

I was glad that he didn’t suffer, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

It has been incredibly difficult for me to come to the realization that I need to move forward with my life without him by my side.  He was my best friend and we were supposed to conquer the world together.

I suffered a few injuries.  Dislocated shoulder, which I have lost 10% use of; pinched nerves and soft tissue damage to my neck, shoulder, back and hips;, and a gash to my head which causes me headaches on a daily basis and trauma to my jaw which left me with TMJ.  My fiancé, who I almost lost that night too, had to have surgery to remove his ruptured spleen and kidney, suffered a punctured lung, scrapes and bruises.  I am the only one who remembers bits and pieces of that night and it haunts me on a daily basis.

My fiancé and I tried to move on with life as best as we could, but the accident was just too much for our relationship to handle and we parted ways.  

We no longer talk.  All I know is in the last 10 years; we have both since married and had kids.

This year will be particularly difficult for me as it marks the 10th anniversary of Mikey’s passing and Lucas turns 4.  It’s very hard for me to look past that as Lucas reminds me so much of Mikey at times, it catches me off guard.  His build, hair, looks…it can be a little overwhelming.  It might be different had Lucas been a girl.  However, I know he is his own person and I wouldn’t change things one bit.

Like I have stated in a previous post, I am not religious, but I am spiritual.  I do believe that there is something out there, but I have yet to figure out what that something is.  I do think Lucas being born smack dab in the middle of the worst week of my life was for a reason.  No, I don’t think it’s Mikey reincarnated, but I do believe that he comes around often and looks out for his brothers.

It’s been a very hard, emotional and challenging decade for me filled with many ups and downs and I can only hope that I can find the strength to make it through without breaking.  I have since tried to resuscitate my heart and soul with getting married and having two wonderful boys, but I have found that nothing has been even remotely close to filling the huge hole that was left behind on that tragic day.  

People say that with each passing year, it gets easier.  I disagree.  To some degree I suppose it does, as your heart isn’t aching each and every moment of the day.  However, it aches all the same just knowing that it’s one more year since the last time I saw him in person.  The tears I shed are the same each year.  I can’t say that they have become less than the year before.  It sucks the life out of me but there is nothing I can do about it, so I have no choice but to deal.

Let’s just hope my mind, body and soul can hold each other up.

I’ve made it this far, so I guess we shall see.

                       Mikey

October 21, 1993 – April 11, 1998

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Entry filed under: Daily, Death, Depression, Family, Heartbreak, Kids, Life, Loss, Me, Memories, Pain, R.I.P., Sad, Survivor, Tragic. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

The Return Of Curious George Happy Birthday Lucas!

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Hules  |  April 11, 2008 at 12:08 am

    I wish after 10 years, I would finally come up with something to say to you that would help get you through yet another somber anniversary. However, please just know that you never failed Mikey. Not for a minute. You did everything right. It was someone else who did it all wrong. Your son will always be remembered in our hearts and your love for him is as evident today as it was the day he was born. Love you, PPH. Love you, Mikey.
    xoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
  • 2. romach  |  April 11, 2008 at 1:39 am

    Dear Lord! I cried my eyes out reading your post and I felt for you so so much. He is such a huge tragic loss to you. Your are in my thoughts and prayers and so is little Mikey too. I send the biggest of hugs your way

    Reply
  • 3. Cheeky  |  April 11, 2008 at 1:46 am

    Thank you both so very much.

    I have to say that writing this tops the list as one of the hardest things for me to do.

    Thank you so much for the love, hugs and support.
    XOXO

    Reply
  • 4. Micki  |  April 12, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    How devastating for you! I cannot imagine going through something like that…especially as a mom. I have two boys that I am crazy about and I would die inside if I lost either of them. You are very strong and very brave to relive this tragic event by writing it here and sharing it with us; eloquently, I might add.

    I, myself, am a religious person, although I don’t believe in ‘pat answers’ and ‘christian cliches’. They usually turn my stomach. Who can pretend to know the mind of God? I do not know why bad things happen to good people…that will probably be my first question I ask Him when I die. But what I do know, with all my heart, is that His love for us is greater than we could ever imagine and I also believe that your little Mikey is with Him now surrounded with love and joy.

    I am so glad I am getting to know you and I would like to think we might eventually become good friends. I can tell you are a dear soul with a big heart. And I will respect you enough not to leave any cliches about why things like this happen because, honestly, I don’t know. All I do know is that I have found my greatest peace with God through my times of greatest sorrow.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. My heart goes out to you as a mom.

    Your new friend, Micki

    Reply
  • 5. On Loan « Roll Your Eyes  |  April 12, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    […] ago as a gift in order to help pick up the pieces of a broken heart.  Tonight, I lend her to someone so special to me, in the hopes that Beth will help her out and offer some comfort, though while for a very […]

    Reply
  • 6. eiain  |  April 13, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    I don’t cry, its something I just don’t do, however, whilst reading your story my eyes welled up with tears, and for once I did not fight it. My heart goes out to you for this tragic loss. I agree with Hules, you never let him down.

    Reply
  • 7. Cheeky  |  April 13, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    Thank you very much Eiain.

    I am hoping to have more uplifting, silly nonsense in the next few days. This was just something I had to do and I feel a bit better being able to share and get it out.

    Thank you all for reading!

    Reply
  • 8. Much Harder Than The Manual Says « Tongue & Cheek  |  July 24, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    […] some of you may know, I lost my son, Mikey back in 1998.  He was 4 ½.  My son Lucas, who is now 4, has been saying odd things […]

    Reply
  • 9. He Would Be 15 « Tongue & Cheek  |  October 21, 2008 at 2:27 am

    […] those of you who don’t know the full story and care to, you can read it all Here Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)They’re Here!~*~*~*~*~*~*SARAH […]

    Reply

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