Archive for February 19, 2008
I am trying to figure out a way to find my inner peace and quiet. My brain is cluttered, there are so many things going on in there all at once and I am having a hard time finding silence. I have tried meditation, but I just can’t seem to find the solid time to do it.
The thing most would find weird about it all is that I don’t live a fast paced lifestyle, I don’t have a bunch of places to be at and my days aren’t chalked full of events, other than chasing kids and the normal household chores. I have other stresses in my life that seem to keep my brain in the ON position and it is seriously becoming too much.
It is very difficult for me to be able to find time to do what I want to do without constant distractions and disturbances. Frankly, I am getting a little sick and tired of having to wait until 3am to maybe have a half hour to myself. That just isn’t enough time to do anything and most nights that doesn’t even happen as the kids tend to wake up 3-4 times a night.
Insomnia doesn’t help either. I do not have a proper sleep schedule, nor have I ever. I am a night owl and have been since I can remember. I can wake up early in the morning if I have to, but would rather catch as many z’s as I possibly can when I have two young kids to chase after. I have seen doctors concerning the insomnia, taken prescribed and over the counter sleep aids, tried alternative methods and none of them have worked. I have stayed off the caffeine (YIKES), avoided any afternoon naps and I was still unable to sleep properly.
There is constant noise around me at all times. Even when the kids are in bed and I mute or turn off the TV, I can still hear noise. It just doesn’t seem to go away. Ringing in my ears, buzzing in my brain, bright, strange shapes and colors that resemble a kaleidoscope when I close my eyes, it’s never ending.
Then there are the voices. Most days they are mumbles or whispers and I can’t make out what they are saying with the odd days where they either talk in a rather strange, loud tone or yell and scare the crap out of me. It’s the same feeling as someone popping out from around the corner and yelling BOO! But no one is around you.
I dream when I’m asleep. I dream when I’m awake. It’s non-stop and I just wish I could figure out what it is. It would really help if I were able to understand what this is or why it’s happening.
If only I could reach far enough up my nose to flip the switch to the OFF position when I want some quiet, I’d be a tad bit happy.