Much Harder Than The Manual Says

Ok.  I am unsure of how to start this post as it came to quite a surprise to me and my brain is still trying to process what my ears are telling it.

As some of you may know, I lost my son, Mikey back in 1998.  He was 4 ½.  My son Lucas, who is now 4, has been saying odd things here and there regarding death and Mikey.  I haven’t really gone into any details with Lucas about why Mikey isn’t here, other than he died.  I did that for two reasons.  One, is because I don’t think he’s quite able to fully understand and it is difficult for me to answer all the questions I know he will have and two, is because I am curious to see if Mikey will come visit him.  I am curious to see what Lucas comes up with all on his own and from what he’s told me, Mikey has come to play with him.

Now, here is what my brain is trying to process.  Two nights ago after putting the kids to bed, Lucas came out of his room, which he’s been doing a lot lately as he doesn’t want to go to bed, only this time he looked genuinely upset.  I asked him what was wrong and he said, 

“If I die, I’m really going to miss you, daddy & Nathan.” 

Well, needless to say I was at a total loss for words.  Once I was able to speak again, I asked him,

“Why are you talking like this, did someone say something to you?”

“I don’t know” he said, “I just know that I’m going to miss you.”

I then went on to tell him that he’s not going to die and that we won’t let that happen.  All the while my heart is sinking just knowing I said these very words to Mikey at one time.

I snuggled with him in the chair for a while, made sure he was feeling better, then I took him to his room and tucked him back into bed.

Fast forward to today.

Lucas wakes up this morning, comes into my room to snuggle for a bit and blurts out that he wants to go to Mikey’s house.

I collect my sleepy thoughts, take a deep breath and tell him that he can’t go to Mikey’s house because it’s too far away.  However, Mikey is more than welcome to come here whenever he wants.  We go back and forth with this conversation for a while, until I shed a tear.  This time Lucas actually listened when I told him that he can’t go, but Mikey can come here anytime.

I knew this day would come where I would have to explain to the kids in more detail why Mikey isn’t here with us, I just didn’t think it would be coming this soon.

This year has been hard enough on me emotionally and it’s not over yet.  It marks the 10 year anniversary of his passing and Lucas will be approaching the 4 ½ year mark as well.

I have a huge fear that I am going to lose Lucas too.  I have had it since the day he was born.  My soul can’t take another loss like that.  It just can’t.  Can the universe be so cruel as to take another child away from me?  I certainly hope not.

As I write this, the boys are on a play phone calling Mikey, inviting him to come over.  I love my kids.

I need to clear my head.  I need to breathe.  I think I just aged another 10 years.