April 11, 1998 Changed My Life Forever

10 years ago today, a part of me died.

My fiancé (at the time), my son, Mikey (from a previous relationship) and I were on our way home from friends’ house, we came to an intersection where the red light just turned green and continued on our way.  

However, we never made it through the light.

Another car, being driven by a 31 year old drunk driver, (deciding to ignore the stop sign as he was in a hurry to get back to the bar after having a fight with his girlfriend), t-boned our car going 80km/h, throwing our car into someone’s front yard.

When I came to, I was wondering why I was so cold.  I looked over to see my fiancé in the driver’s seat and he appeared to be sleeping.  I heard voices and was very confused.  I couldn’t move and when I tried to, people kept telling me to be still.  They kept asking me my name, who they can call, etc.  I tried to turn around to check the backseat for Mikey but couldn’t find him.  I knew right there something was very wrong and was getting angry as no one would tell me what happened.  All I kept saying was “Where’s my son…Where’s Mikey!”  They responded with, “We have him.”

I passed out and came to a few times during all of this, all the while my fiancé was unconscious and I had no clue where or how my son was.  

Later on at the hospital while I sat on this hard, cold table waiting to be stitched up, Bill, a close family friend came in to talk to me.  He looked me in the eyes, grabbed my hands and said he had something he needed to tell me.  I don’t remember all the details of the conversation, but when he told me that Mikey had died, everyone in the hospital heard me scream.  I then demanded that I see him.  I had to.  Bill tried to talk me out of it, but knew in his heart this was something I had to do.

When they brought Mikey into the room, Bill lifted him up off the gurney and put him in my arms.  There I sat with him for over 2 hours.  I rocked him in my arms hoping he would wake up. I bawled, I stared, I talked to him, I kissed his face and tried to wake up from this horrible nightmare I was having.  I didn’t want to let him go.  I told Mikey I loved him and that I was sorry I couldn’t do anything to protect him like I promised him I always would.

I failed him.

I later learned more of what had happened.  Most of the impact was towards the middle/back doors of the driver’s side, which caused the backseat to buckle like an accordion, snapping the seatbelt which held my son’s car seat securely in place, ejecting him through the rear window and trapping him under one of the wheels of our car.  He died instantly of a broken neck and internal injuries.  Mikey was only 4½ years old.

I was glad that he didn’t suffer, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

It has been incredibly difficult for me to come to the realization that I need to move forward with my life without him by my side.  He was my best friend and we were supposed to conquer the world together.

I suffered a few injuries.  Dislocated shoulder, which I have lost 10% use of; pinched nerves and soft tissue damage to my neck, shoulder, back and hips;, and a gash to my head which causes me headaches on a daily basis and trauma to my jaw which left me with TMJ.  My fiancé, who I almost lost that night too, had to have surgery to remove his ruptured spleen and kidney, suffered a punctured lung, scrapes and bruises.  I am the only one who remembers bits and pieces of that night and it haunts me on a daily basis.

My fiancé and I tried to move on with life as best as we could, but the accident was just too much for our relationship to handle and we parted ways.  

We no longer talk.  All I know is in the last 10 years; we have both since married and had kids.

This year will be particularly difficult for me as it marks the 10th anniversary of Mikey’s passing and Lucas turns 4.  It’s very hard for me to look past that as Lucas reminds me so much of Mikey at times, it catches me off guard.  His build, hair, looks…it can be a little overwhelming.  It might be different had Lucas been a girl.  However, I know he is his own person and I wouldn’t change things one bit.

Like I have stated in a previous post, I am not religious, but I am spiritual.  I do believe that there is something out there, but I have yet to figure out what that something is.  I do think Lucas being born smack dab in the middle of the worst week of my life was for a reason.  No, I don’t think it’s Mikey reincarnated, but I do believe that he comes around often and looks out for his brothers.

It’s been a very hard, emotional and challenging decade for me filled with many ups and downs and I can only hope that I can find the strength to make it through without breaking.  I have since tried to resuscitate my heart and soul with getting married and having two wonderful boys, but I have found that nothing has been even remotely close to filling the huge hole that was left behind on that tragic day.  

People say that with each passing year, it gets easier.  I disagree.  To some degree I suppose it does, as your heart isn’t aching each and every moment of the day.  However, it aches all the same just knowing that it’s one more year since the last time I saw him in person.  The tears I shed are the same each year.  I can’t say that they have become less than the year before.  It sucks the life out of me but there is nothing I can do about it, so I have no choice but to deal.

Let’s just hope my mind, body and soul can hold each other up.

I’ve made it this far, so I guess we shall see.

                       Mikey

October 21, 1993 – April 11, 1998